Ephesians 5:22-33

Walk in Harmony ~ in your marriage

Open your Bible to…

Eph. 5:33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Pray

Intro

√ Walk in harmony ~ in your marriage

It’s a funny thing but I’ve never done pre-marriage counseling for a couple who weren’t madly in love with each other.

Every couple couldn’t wait to get married!

To spend every waking moment with one another!

Couldn’t imagine any situation or problem that would chill their passion for one another!

Yet, I’ve heard too many of those same Christian people a year or few after their wedding day tell me…

What a jerk their spouse is!

That they’re not happy in their marriage!

That they’re done with their marriage and aren’t interested in counseling or reconciliation.

I always wonder what happened?

What broke the beautiful harmony that God was weaving in their lives?

How did two people who couldn’t stand to be apart from one another now can’t stand to be in the same room with one another?

The answer, the unholy trinity of Satan, sin and self.

As I said last week the Devil has an agenda and it is to destroy marriages…

…especially Christian marriages.

Couples who neglect God, His Word, and the work of the Holy Spirit in their lives are open game for the Devil’s schemes.

So, this morning we’re going to look at what God says and how it is that a couple can create and maintain harmony within their marriage so that their love for their spouse will grow rather than diminish over time!

Ap. Listen to what God wants to speak to you!

Remember, I asked you last week to read ahead and take note of God’s instructions to you, not your spouse!

This morning as we study focus on what He wants to speak to you!

If you’re married may I just say that your marriage is worth investing in! If you’re single, listen and learn so that you’ll be ready to be the kind of spouse that is committed to building harmony.

Harmony with your husband (vs. 22-24)

Eph. 5:22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

Eph. 5:23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.

Eph. 5:24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

And…

Eph. 5:33b …and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

√ Harmony with your husband

As we study Paul’s instructions to wives and husbands remember that the context is the Christian marriage.

That is, he is not suggesting that woman are inferior to men as he has been wrongly accused.

Or, that woman as a general rule are supposed to be in subjection to every man in every situation.

Rather, his instructions are to Christian woman (and men) with an eye toward creating and maintaining harmony in the home by establishing an authority structure.

As such, Paul ~ inspired by the Holy Spirit, touches on the issues that that most husbands and wives struggle with.

The two areas that wives most often struggle with are submission and respect.

1) Submission

Paul writes…

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” Vs. 22

As I already mentioned note that his instruction is specific…

“Wives, submit to your own husbands…”

That is, the instruction is for a Christian woman and how she is to relate to her husband, notice that Paul gives two reasons for the command…

The Lordship of Christ ~ His authority in the Church

(vs. 22)

The headship of the man in Christ ~ his authority in the home (vs. 23)

Before we continue it would probably be a good idea to define what submission is as that word carries a lot of baggage!

Submission simply means that a wife recognizes that God has placed her husband as the head of their home and that she then responds to him accordingly without usurping his authority.

Remember ladies Paul is not saying that you are inferior to your husband, nor that he is right all the time.

Rather, his instruction is simply that just as a Christian woman would submit her life to Jesus, the head of the Church...

…so in the context of marriage she should submit to her husband in his role as head of the family.

√ Partnership not dictatorship!

Keep the context in mind! The model for a Christian marriage is Jesus’ relationship with the Church.

So, Paul is not saying that wives are to be mindless slaves to every whim of their husband.

Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship!

In a good and godly marriage both the husband and wife are equal partners before the Lord (ref. Gal. 3:28 & 1 Peter 3:7).

Both contribute their ideas and then take them to the Lord in prayer before making a decision.

However, if a decision has to be made and there is no consensus between husband and wife…

…then the final responsibility for making a decision has been given by God to the husband.

Ex. Out of work

Let’s say you’ve just lost your job and with it your ability to support your family.

You’ve got an offer for another job, but it’s in Montana.

Neither you nor your wife have ever lived in Montana, nor do you really want to leave your friends and family here to live in the bitter cold of Montana.

However, you’ve prayed about it and you believe God has opened this opportunity for you in Montana, but your wife wants to stay in NW Arkansas because she likes it here.

What do you do?

If you can’t agree it’s the husband’s responsibility to make the final decision as to whether to move the family to Montana or stay.

While the wife may not want to go her duty is to support her husband’s decision and help make the best of the situation for the sake of the family.

That’s submission.

No passive resistance, no rolling of the eyes, no dragging feet, rather, support your husband 100%.

That may not be easy in a new marriage but as a couple puts some time into their marriage the wife will find it easier to submit to her husband’s decisions as she watches him follow the Lord.

Ex. Cindy following me to Arkansas

Ex. Joseph taking Mary and Jesus to Egypt

It’s an interesting account and gives us some insight into how God speaks to a family.

Look at the account and you’ll find that God speaks only to Joseph regarding their need to flee to Egypt!

There’s no indication that God spoke to Mary about the approaching danger and need to go.

So, Mary had to trust that her husband was hearing from the Lord and then follow him across the desert to escape Herod’s soldiers.

Ap. Pray for your husband!

Most of the Christian woman that I’ve met, and or counseled, want more than anything for their husband to be the spiritual leader in their home.

They want him to lead family devotions, to pray with the kids, to make church a priority, and to regularly seek the Lord in prayer.

Yet, sometimes I see that same woman hamstring their husband because when he does finally step up to his role as spiritual leader they balk at his decisions and refuse to follow his lead!

Then the husbands doesn’t want to take the lead, the wife says she wants him to, but doesn’t follow his lead, and the end result is that the family can never grow spiritually.

So ladies, pray for your husband that he can hear the Lord clearly speaking so that he can make good and godly decisions for you and your family…

…and make his job easier by supporting his decisions.

Ap. Disclaimer ~ God has placed parameters on His instruction to submit

So, if he asks you to do something illegal, or unethical, or unbiblical you’re not bound by God to blindly obey him!

You answer to God first!

On the upside if you do what God has called you to do, that is submit to your husband and that move to Montana turns out not to be the Lord’s direction…

…you’re not responsible to God for that choice as it’s on your husband’s shoulders!

2) Respect ~ vs. 33

The second attitude that promotes harmony in a marriage is respect, note Paul’s exhortation to wives…

“…and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

This exhortation goes hand-in-hand with submission.

That is, when a woman respects her husband she will find it easy to submit to his leadership because she knows that he has her best interest in mind.

Some would argue that respect is something that is earned, not given.

I’ll concede that point, however, God’s instruction here is that a wife is to respect her husband’s position of authority…

…even if she doesn’t necessarily respect him.

Ex. Police

I may not respect the person wearing the uniform, however, I do respect the office and authority the officer represents.

So, while I might not respect the man and the way he conducts his personal life…

…I’m still going to obey him when he turns the lights on.

So, just because your husband hasn’t earned your respect, or may have lost your respect by some bonehead thing that he’s done…

…you’re not at liberty to cast off God’s instructions to you and won’t be blessed if you do.

Ap. Husbands

Guys, the reality is that if you have lost your wife’s respect it’s going to take some time to get it back.

Yes she should respect your position and authority, but she may no longer respect you as a man if you’ve failed to provide and protect her and your family.

That is, if you fail to provide and protect her and she has had to step up and do what you’re supposed to be doing then it’s not going to be easy for her to respect you.

Be patient with her, do your part, and give her time to observe your new godly behavior and track record.

In time she will respect you again.

So, if you’ve lost your wife’s respect make sure that you’re fulfilling your role as a husband so that she can respect you as a godly man…

…that will make it a whole lot easier for her to respect your position as head of the family.

Harmony with your wife (vs. 25-33)

Eph. 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

Eph. 5:26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word,

Eph. 5:27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

Eph. 5:28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.

Eph. 5:29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

Eph. 5:30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.

Eph. 5:31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

Eph. 5:32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

Eph. 5:33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

√ Harmony with your wife

First of all did you notice that Paul has a lot more to say to husbands than he did to wives!?

Like 3 times as much!

Wonder why?

My personal opinion is that as general rule woman are better at being wives than men are at being husbands!

We aren’t as intuitive about what makes a relationship work.

In general men can be very insensitive to the needs of their wife.

And sometimes we need to hear the same thing repeated a number of times before we get it!

Such is the case here as for all of the words that Paul has written to husbands he really only gives us one command…

“Husbands, love your wives…” ~ vs. 25

“husbands ought to love their own wives…” ~ vs. 28

“let each one of you in particular so love his own wife…” ~ vs. 33

See a theme developing!

Guys, God has only given us one commandment with regard to creating and maintaining harmony in the home…

…just love your wife!

How? Paul gives us three ways in which we are to love the princess that He gave us.

1. Love her sacrificially ~ vs. 25-27

The first way in which husbands are to love their wife’s is sacrificially, note that Paul writes…

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” ~ vs. 25

Wow!

Gals you may have thought that the command to submit and respect your husband was tough!

How about now as compared to Paul’s instructions to husbands!?

That we’re to love our wife with the same kind of love that Jesus loves the Church!

That’s a high standard!

Well maybe he doesn’t really mean the same kind of love, after all there are four different words for love in the New Testament!

Maybe he means we’re to love our wife with an eros kind of love (physical love)?

Most guys can do that!

Perhaps he means we’re supposed to love our wife with a phileo kind of love (emotional love)?

In a pinch when pressed we can stir ourselves up to endure a chick flick with our bride or even spend an evening talking to her rather than watching football.

Or maybe he means that husbands are to love their wife with a stergo type of love (natural family love)?

That’s not a real challenge, it’s natural to love your family.

Sorry, no!

Rather, Paul inspired by the Holy Spirit carefully chooses the word agapao here translated “love” to describe how husbands are to love their wife’s.

That’s the divine kind of love, the God kind of love, love that is unselfish and sacrificial, the love that is always seeking the highest good for another.

So, in this context, husbands are to love their wife’s unselfishly, sacrificially, and with the goal of always seeking what’s best for the princess that God has blessed us with!

Ap. Give your life for her

Men, we’re called to love our wife the way that Jesus loves the Church, His Bride.

He demonstrated His love for His Bride by giving His life for her on the Cross.

That’s our model!

While most husbands would willingly take a bullet for their wife, the instruction to us here isn’t meant to be a one time sacrifice.

Rather, we’re to love our wife by daily dying to our self and putting her needs before our own.

That means we look for opportunities each day to serve her as Jesus has served us.

Ex. Dying daily

It means that you do the little extra things that help to create and maintain harmony in the home.

Dishes & chores

Turning off the TV and spending quality time listening to your wife.

Learning what makes her tick and then ministering to her needs (tea).

Bottom line, your job is to become the expert on your wife and then set out to bless her each day through small demonstrations of love…

…and look for opportunities to do bigger special things for her (ex. ice skating show and time away).

Ex. Tea to horseback riding on the beach

2. Love her symbiotically ~ vs. 28-30

Well that’s a fancy word! What’s it mean?

“A cooperative, mutually beneficial relationship between two people.”

That’s what Paul describes it here in vs. 28-30…

Eph. 5:28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.

Eph. 5:29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

Eph. 5:30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.

The idea that Paul’s communicating to husbands is that we ought to invest as much time and energy into loving our wives as we invest in loving ourselves.

Why?

Because just as feeding ourselves produces a physical benefit to us personally…

…so investing our time and energy into loving our wife will produce benefits to ourselves!

Why?

Because once you’re married you are one flesh with your bride!

Whatever you do for her, good or bad, has a direct consequence in your life!

Ex. Spiritual principle

Peter provides a spiritual example of what Paul is talking about…

1Pet. 3:7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

Peter is telling us that God is concerned with how we treat the woman He gave us.

Take care of her, love her, seek to understand her needs and meet them.

If you do God’s ear is open to your prayers, if you don’t He may not respond to you!

So, treat your wife well and you’ll bless yourself also!

Ap. Hobbies & your discretionary income

Guys are notorious for spending a ton of money on whatever their hobby is.

Think nothing of dumping thousands of dollars into a new motor for their car, or motorcycle.

Spend hundreds on season tickets to see their favorite team play.

But then balk when their wife wants to spend a hundred dollars on her hair and wonder why she doesn’t look as beautiful as when you first met her!

Guys, make sure that you divide your discretionary income fairly with your wife if you do you’ll bless her and she in turn will bless you!

So, husband ~ love your wife symbiotically because the good you do for her will bless you also!

3) Love her symbolically ~ vs. 31-33

Paul’s last exhortation to husbands is a reminder that the marriage relationship is a picture, a symbol of Christ’s love for the Church…

…therefore we ought to take seriously our responsibility to love our wife.

Eph. 5:31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

Eph. 5:32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

Eph. 5:33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Paul reaches back to Creation where God first introduced His plan for the human race…

The marriage relationship ~ one man with one woman.

The divine solution to the one “not good” condition in the Garden, that Man was alone.

So, God resolved Adam’s problem by providing a perfect match to him, a wife!

Many Bible students believe that God purposely created Man in a “not good” condition as a means of revealing His purpose for creating humans.

That God’s heart was so full of love that He created people, made in His image, upon whom He could pour out His great love and in return receive their freewill response of love toward Him.

We see that love story played out from Genesis to Revelation in which God reveals Himself as a “husband” to Israel, and then to the Church.

Though His “wife” has been unfaithful since the first sin in the Garden He has faithfully pursued His Bride and done all that is necessary to redeem her to Himself.

Thus, marriage is a picture of God’s love for His people. As such it is a very big deal and husbands ought to treat their marriage accordingly.

Ap. Guys, you’re the initiator

Just as Jesus initiated a relationship with us, so husbands have the responsibility of taking the first step to creating and maintaining harmony in the home.

Guys, in a very real way the harmony of lack of in your home is a reflection of how well you love your wife.

That’s not to say that the lack of harmony, or the dissolution of a marriage is never the wife’s fault.

But, as a general rule a woman will respond in a positive and godly way to a husband that loves her as Christ loves His Bride.

So, take a good look at your home and see whether or not you’re loving your wife…

Sacrificially

Symbiotically

Symbolically

…if you want harmony in your home ask the Lord to help you love your wife as He loves you!

Close

√ Walk in harmony ~ in your marriage

Eph. 5:33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

This week take your bride out and start the process of becoming an expert on her!